Hey all! Just wanted to give a quick life update. I haven’t posted in a few weeks and this is because I have literally the worst thing imaginable for a blogger, writer’s block! I’ve tried everything to get the creative juices flowing but I just haven’t felt the spark lately! I’ve got some ideas I’m going to play around with but for now, I’m going to take two weeks off to work on a fresh batch of blog posts. I think this time away is what I need to destress and remove some of the pressure I’ve placed upon my self to write something good every week. I’ll be back on March 8th with a new post followed by the first episode of my podcast on March 12th!
What are some ways you combat writer’s block? Let me know in the comments or tweet me @rasberrydreams
So about a month ago, it came to my attention that I had unknowingly been a participant in what the kids ( and by kids I mean people literally in my age group that are just cooler than me) are calling a “situationship”. For those of you who have always been blessed to have a clear understanding of the status of all your romantic relationships, a situationship is basically the grey area between “friends with benefits” and an actual-factual relationship. Will they? Won’t they? The suspense is killing me! Except it really is. At first, it’s fun, it’s casual whateves. Until your potential boo comes up in conversation and you don’t know what to call them. Or when those #cuplegoals posts start to hit a little too hard.
As we said goodbye to 2018 a few weeks ago, I realized that 2019 will mark 2 years since I met my … friend. TWO YEARS! Of being introduced as a friend. I never met his family. Dates were a rarity and we hardly spent any time together while the sun was still up. I was convinced that all this was due to us being busy adults taking it slow. Wrong. I was in a situationship. And the more I thought about the more I accepted the fact that I did not want to be in it. Although I may not have previously cared about titles and status, I have realized that what I want is something solid and confirmed. Never again will I have to ask “so what are we?” Every few months to ensure we’re still on the same page. I’m officially saying goodbye to situationships forever, as I feel like we all must eventually do if we’d like to keep our heads intact. Consider it an adult write of passage.
Swearing off the situationship isn’t enough though. I am smart enough to know that steering clear of it is going to be an everyday struggle. The situationship is cunning and persuasive and lurks behind any given cutie at the gym or innocent faced tinder profile. Yes, it’s gonna take a little more to successfully avoid the black hole of eternal “you up?” Texts. You need to to be able to read the signs that you’re about to waste a significant about of time with someone who just isn’t looking for a relationship. So me being me, I’ve compiled a list of just that!
1: they want to hang in the house or car as a first date
This tends to be a sign that they’d like to keep things a little more casual. They don’t want to set the bar too high to prevent you from expecting anything more than an occasional hookup.
2: you’ve never met anyone significant
Parents and family friends are usually reserved for people they plan on having around for a while. Remember, however, that everyone has their own pace when it comes to introducing you to loved ones so don’t assume they’re not taking you seriously if they don’t feel comfortable doing so right off the bat.
3: “who needs a relationship when we have a connection, girl?”
This a cop-out I’ve heard time and time again! Don’t fall for the okie-doke! This is code for “I want you to act like my girlfriend but without the title or expectations”
4:”were too grown to. Worry about titles”
Pretty much the same as number 3. The only difference is that this line attempts to manipulate you into thinking that wanting a title is immature.
5:they don’t make time for you.
Anyone who wants to spend time with you will make the time! Whether it be an hour during lunch or a weekend trip, they will find the time because they care enough to do so. However, try not to confuse this with just actually being busy.
6: they avoid conversations about relationships
Someone who avoids conversations about relationships may be afraid that it’ll end the situationship if it comes out that they don’t want anything more.
7: never gets too personal
They may not want to get too attached to you or vise versa and sharing personal information or childhood stories is a sure fire way to develop deep feelings. Someone who wants nothing more than a casual relationship might avoid sharing too much for this reason.
Spotting these red flags may be hard to catch at first, especially when you have started to catch feelings for them. That is why at the end of the day, the best, sure-fire way to avoid starting a situationship is to communicate your needs. It is important to express what you are looking for early on in the relationship, even as early as the first date! The earlier, the better in my opinion. This way, time and feelings don’t get too invested.
One mistake I made was not being 100% sure what I wanted out of a relationship. This made me just kinda go with what he wanted, which was nothing more than someone one to chill with at the end of the work week with no pressure. Which is cool! But once I was honest with myself and him, I was able to admit that what I want is something real with more room to grow. And the next time around, I need to be sure to confidently state that, and if they are not on the same page or just want something different, I need to let it go! Too often, we ignore want we want out of a relationship in hopes that they’ll come around eventually. We need to accept that no matter how good you treat someone, how good your cooking is or how good the sex is when someone tells you they aren’t looking for anything serious, you need to believe them! In the end, you’ll avoid major heartbreak and time wasted, so long as you pay attention to the red flags and always talk to your partner, no matter what the outcome may be.
Okay I know, I know. You’re tired of seeing all these “how to blah blah blah in 2019” articles on all of your feeds every year and I feel you! I’m SO sick of picture-perfect bloggers telling me that a dang face mask and some green tea is gonna wash away all the stress of 2018! At the end of the day, there is no cure-all for all your issues and waiting until the end of the year to make changes won’t work! However, that isn’t to say that all efforts are moot or that you shouldn’t set new goals for yourself. So, to kick off the year, I’ve taken upon myself to cook up some realistic ways to build confidence this year. These are not hacks, nor are they “quick Tips” you can do In one day. For those, Might I suggest a Buzzfeed article?
Okay, Let’s get into this! My confidence has never been where it needs to be, but this last year, it has been at an all-time low. I would say I’ve had about 20 Mental breakdowns these last few months alone, I don’t even want to think about how many in the entire year! This, among many (MANY) other things definitely attributed to breaking down what little confidence I had to begin with. Needless to say, I’ve had a rough year, and I’m in desperate need of a bit of a reboot. This article is as much for me as it is for you.
Getting Your House In Order
So, In this Context “ your house” represents your mental health and basically everything to do with your personal life. I can’t stress enough that your house needs to be dealt with BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE! And that’s not a matter of preference. If you focus anything first, you’ll be taking the “fake it ‘till you make it” route. Which will not work. Trust me, I’ve tried. You need to deal with whatever’s going on mentally so that you can get it off your mind or at least get it under control! You will never feel sexy if you mountain of unpaid debt has rented out a spot in the back of your head! For example, My mountain is being behind on my bills since quitting my job to work for myself. This is something I am making a priority to fix before anything else. Your problem may be something different but your first step is creating an action plan to solve it. Seek out help if you need it such a therapist, financial advisor, or even just a good friend. Only after you’ve dealt with your problem will you begin to feel in control again and rebuild your self-esteem.
Challenge: Create a plan to take on an issue you’re having! You can start small!
Learning to Say No
This Is a big one for me because I’ve always had trouble with it. As a result, I’ve ended up In situations I didn’t want to be in (situationships, free car rides, working for less than my worth) which took a toll on my self-worth. A confident woman does not bend to the will of anyone (no matter how handsome) While you may feel that you’re just a generous person, others are thinking you’re a pushover. You get more respect when you value yourself and your time.
Unfortunately, there is no way to remedy this besides good old fashioned practice. MuchelleB has a great video about setting personal policies for 2019 Which I will Definitely be trying out and I recommend you do the same. Personal policies basically act as a guideline that allows you to protect your time and mental health. They give you an easy out when confronted with something you would prefer not to do. A policy could be not staying out past nine on a weekday or only eating out once a week. People will learn to respect your time, and you will find it easier to turn people down. In doing so, you will feel a boost in confidence knowing that you are in control of your life.
Challenge: say no at least twice a week! Practicing will build up that “no” muscle!
Only Wear What You Love
Not I’m not trying to push my minimalist agenda on you or anything with this one! But think about it. If you could feel good about what you wear every day, Why wouldn’t you? Too often, I feel we fall into the habit of wearing what I like to call “filler Outfits”. These are the outfits you wear when you think “ehh I’m not going anywhere special” or “nobody’s gonna see me today” We save our “good clothes” for special occasions only and are almost never satisfied with our everyday outfits. This is because a lot of the time, the special occasion you’ve been waiting for never comes. Your filler clothes end up being your daily wardrobe Which can take a toll on your confidence. Something I’m practicing this year is throwing out all those tee shirts and sweats that I feel horrible in and replacing them with things I wouldn’t mind running into an old friend in. It may be cliche, but when you look good, you really do feel good!
Now, this isn’t to say you should wear nothing but high heels and button downs. I myself have discovered that I feel the best in comfortable clothes. After all, it is important to be just as comfortable as you are cute! True confidence comes when you can be certain your fit well and look great. When you can’t walk in your shoes, your skirt is too short and your crop top isn’t as flattering as it was easier, you will be uncomfortable and it will show
Challenge: before committing to tossing out clothes that aren’t your absolute fave, try separating unflattering clothes from your closet for a month. Whatever you can live without, toss!
Leave Self Doubt in 2018
Lastly, believe in yourself! Confident women know their worth and will not let anyone knock them down, even themselves! Something that I’ve been doing is reciting positive affirmations every morning before anything else. Above, I’ve Attached a copy of my list, however, I encourage you to Create some of your own that relate specifically to your life! Pinterest has a plethora of affirmations you can adopt into your own list. But whether you speak positively every day or simply check] yourself out the mirror every now and then, know that you are absolutely killing it and doing your best every day, even when you don’t feel it.
Welcome to 2019 Devin! Ok let’s be honest, 2018 wasn’t the best. You had a ton of goals and aspirations. However, with every goal, came an unforeseen twist in the road to your success. Yeah to put it simply, 2018 kicked your ass babe! However, luckily for you, 2019 is around the corner and waits with new possibilities! If you are anything like me, you LOVE writing lists and goals and planning your year! But also, for some reason, you always seem to come up short by the end of the year. 2019 is where this stops! With these four tips below, I’ve created A bullet Proof list of goals for 2019 to make this year your best ever!
You need to be very particular about what you would like to achieve in the new year. When you have a Broad goal such as “eat better” or Go to the Gym more” it leaves too many holes and open endings. By this I mean, there may end up being some confusion about what requirements must be fulfilled to meet the goal. If the goal is unclear, you may end up checking it off preemptively or never fulfilling at all. Instead, try breaking down the goal. instead of saying “go to the gym more”, set a goal that can be easily measured such as lose 10 pounds or go to the gym 3x a week. This will be easier to keep track of.
Do Not Base Goals on Temporary Whims
This one is directed specifically at goals such as “paint 20 paintings”. Earlier this year, I had dreams of making my art more than just a hobby. While this goal may have worked for a more established artist who had already built up the habit of painting in bulk, for me it does not work because my passions change with the wind! Your goals should be realistic and based on your actual interests. that’s not to say you shouldn’t try new things! But maybe leave it off your list if you’re just starting out.
Smaller Lists Are Best!
Smaller Lists are Best! When I wrote this list earlier this year, I was a bit in over my head! I didn’t take into account how much time some goals would take and threw on every little thing I wanted to do! I realize now that some things should be saved for your five Year goals or maybe even monthly and weekly goals for small tasks. This time around, I’m going to stick to a smaller list with more time appropriate goals. This will give me the ability to dedicate more time to the tasks that really matter.
Organizing your goals into separate categories can help tremendously in staying on track throughout the year. With multiple categories, you’ll find yourself better able to prioritize. The categories I’ll be using are personal, financial, and work. You can use more or less, depending on your lifestyle and the types of goals you’d like to set. Some other groups you may want to add are Family, Education, Home etc. I’m including a printable 2019 goal template at the end of the blog, however, feel free to create your own!
Congratulations Devin! you’ve completed your bullet-proof 2019 goals list. you have written realistic, specific goals that you are passionate about. This time next year, don’t be surprised if you complete most or all of your goals
Devin, You made a blog! This is something you’ve contemplating for the past few years, so good on you for finally getting the balls to start! You have always told others that the hardest part of anything is starting. It is time to take your own advice. Always remember that while there are plenty of bloggers out there, there is only one you. Only you can speak fluent ebonics and drop a dope pancake recipe at the same damn time!
For those of you that are confused, my name is devin and this blog is somewhat of a an open letter to myself. An internal monologue, if you will. I’ve always found myself talking to myself and trying to coach myself through everything life has thrown at me so far. I thought i May as well write it out . it is my hopes that others may be able to find use for my blog posts.
Who am I?
I am 22-year-old black woman local to the D.C. area. I am a writer, an artist and just a creative in general. More than anything though, I am completely lost in life. Since graduating from high school (which was now 4 years ago!!) I have explored many different paths. I knew pretty early on that college wasn’t for me, but that didn’t stop me from threatening to go (and even applying) three separate times!. Whilst I Pretended to be the higher education type, I also dabbled in baking floral design, finance management, makeup and beauty, personal fitness, just plain giving up on life, painting, fashion, and a few half-hearted business ventures. Clearly, my issue is not that I lack ideas, it that I have too many!
What to Expect
After four Plus years, I’ve managed to narrow it down to 4 interests I actually like: writing cooking, homemaking, and pretty much anything to do with getting your life together. Grow Up, Devin! Will focus on my growth as an adult and allowing myself to dive into my passions instead of trying to select just one. it is my hopes that others may be able to relate to and find use of my blog. MAybe it can help an undecided recent high school grad figure out what they’d like to do a little faster than me! Or even just provide someone with entertainment while I stumble through life.
For more information, Click over to the ABOUT page to learn ore about Me and My blog, and also how to contact me!