So about a month ago, it came to my attention that I had unknowingly been a participant in what the kids ( and by kids I mean people literally in my age group that are just cooler than me) are calling a “situationship”. For those of you who have always been blessed to have a clear understanding of the status of all your romantic relationships, a situationship is basically the grey area between “friends with benefits” and an actual-factual relationship. Will they? Won’t they? The suspense is killing me! Except it really is. At first, it’s fun, it’s casual whateves. Until your potential boo comes up in conversation and you don’t know what to call them. Or when those #cuplegoals posts start to hit a little too hard.
As we said goodbye to 2018 a few weeks ago, I realized that 2019 will mark 2 years since I met my … friend. TWO YEARS! Of being introduced as a friend. I never met his family. Dates were a rarity and we hardly spent any time together while the sun was still up. I was convinced that all this was due to us being busy adults taking it slow. Wrong. I was in a situationship. And the more I thought about the more I accepted the fact that I did not want to be in it. Although I may not have previously cared about titles and status, I have realized that what I want is something solid and confirmed. Never again will I have to ask “so what are we?” Every few months to ensure we’re still on the same page. I’m officially saying goodbye to situationships forever, as I feel like we all must eventually do if we’d like to keep our heads intact. Consider it an adult write of passage.
Swearing off the situationship isn’t enough though. I am smart enough to know that steering clear of it is going to be an everyday struggle. The situationship is cunning and persuasive and lurks behind any given cutie at the gym or innocent faced tinder profile. Yes, it’s gonna take a little more to successfully avoid the black hole of eternal “you up?” Texts. You need to to be able to read the signs that you’re about to waste a significant about of time with someone who just isn’t looking for a relationship. So me being me, I’ve compiled a list of just that!
1: they want to hang in the house or car as a first date
This tends to be a sign that they’d like to keep things a little more casual. They don’t want to set the bar too high to prevent you from expecting anything more than an occasional hookup.
2: you’ve never met anyone significant
Parents and family friends are usually reserved for people they plan on having around for a while. Remember, however, that everyone has their own pace when it comes to introducing you to loved ones so don’t assume they’re not taking you seriously if they don’t feel comfortable doing so right off the bat.
3: “who needs a relationship when we have a connection, girl?”
This a cop-out I’ve heard time and time again! Don’t fall for the okie-doke! This is code for “I want you to act like my girlfriend but without the title or expectations”
4:”were too grown to. Worry about titles”
Pretty much the same as number 3. The only difference is that this line attempts to manipulate you into thinking that wanting a title is immature.
5:they don’t make time for you.
Anyone who wants to spend time with you will make the time! Whether it be an hour during lunch or a weekend trip, they will find the time because they care enough to do so. However, try not to confuse this with just actually being busy.
6: they avoid conversations about relationships
Someone who avoids conversations about relationships may be afraid that it’ll end the situationship if it comes out that they don’t want anything more.
7: never gets too personal
They may not want to get too attached to you or vise versa and sharing personal information or childhood stories is a sure fire way to develop deep feelings. Someone who wants nothing more than a casual relationship might avoid sharing too much for this reason.
Spotting these red flags may be hard to catch at first, especially when you have started to catch feelings for them. That is why at the end of the day, the best, sure-fire way to avoid starting a situationship is to communicate your needs. It is important to express what you are looking for early on in the relationship, even as early as the first date! The earlier, the better in my opinion. This way, time and feelings don’t get too invested.
One mistake I made was not being 100% sure what I wanted out of a relationship. This made me just kinda go with what he wanted, which was nothing more than someone one to chill with at the end of the work week with no pressure. Which is cool! But once I was honest with myself and him, I was able to admit that what I want is something real with more room to grow. And the next time around, I need to be sure to confidently state that, and if they are not on the same page or just want something different, I need to let it go! Too often, we ignore want we want out of a relationship in hopes that they’ll come around eventually. We need to accept that no matter how good you treat someone, how good your cooking is or how good the sex is when someone tells you they aren’t looking for anything serious, you need to believe them! In the end, you’ll avoid major heartbreak and time wasted, so long as you pay attention to the red flags and always talk to your partner, no matter what the outcome may be.